For those of you who know me outside this blog, this will come as a shock to you. I’ve met a guy I’m pretty serious about and I let him kiss me. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
See, I’ve never really been great at dating. Being overweight growing up, I wasn’t exactly chasing the boys away with a stick. And if my looks didn’t keep them away, my overbearing, bossy attitude probably did the trick.
Whatever the reason, I managed to finish college without anyone asking me to date them. And so I decided that if men didn’t want me then I didn’t need them. I built a fortress of bricks around my heart and studied the darker side of men’s nature to prove myself right.
Fast forward several years and it’s 2017. I’ve never dated, except a guy I asked out twice to prove I could. At a toastmasters event, I meet R. He and I ended up going on our first date the day after I turned 29.
I loved the experience of being in a relationship. It felt great to have someone who cared about me and thought about me all the time. R was a great guy and was the first (and only) guy I’ve dated over Valentine’s Day. But I broke up with him days later because he didn’t respect my standard of waiting till marriage to have sex.
Shortly after that, my life took a nosedive and I decided dating was pointless because I couldn’t get married without my dad there to walk me down the isle.
When we were setting 2018 goals, I said “I want to be married before I’m 35.” This completely caught me off guard because I wasn’t really interested in overcoming my fear of men.
But I’d said it so that made me introspective and, sure enough, there was something inside me that still wanted to be a wife and mother.
Several months later, I joined a dating app and I dated a few guys. Only two were ever serious. Both of them were amazing men and will make great husbands someday. But I just didn’t feel any sort of connection and eventually I ended both relationships.
In June my eHarmony subscription expired and I decided to give it another shot, this time on “non Christian” dating apps (free apps).
I learned quickly that I had to approach these profiles with more scrutiny, after a few dates wanted me to go home with them. Honestly, I started to despair of the whole process.
Meanwhile, I was changing. Writing every day before bed was helping to clarify my mind and my emotions were coming more under control. My gym visits in the morning we’re building my self confidence and personal credibility.
Then I met S on Bumble and we started talking. He asked me out and I went, mostly because he was the first halfway decent guy to ask in a while. Honestly I didn’t expect much, he didn’t fit the profile of what I thought was important.
But from that first dinner there was something special. And just a week later I was calling him my boyfriend.
Texting one night he said he’d been thinking about kissing me but didn’t want to push me, since he knew I’d never done that. I confessed that I’d like to kiss him but was afraid I’d mess it up or do it wrong.
In that conversation, I told him that he could when he felt it was the best time. A few days later he picked the most perfect place and time and we kissed.
In those intervening days, between permission and kiss, I mentally wrote a blog. I planned to call it, “I kissed a boy and I liked it.”
But that blog was never published because the reality is that the kiss incredibly awkward. I actually apologized for not knowing what I was doing immediately before and again after the kiss.
The second, third, and fourth kisses were the same. I felt like I was doing it wrong and I’d apologize after.
Journaling a few nights ago, I realized that it was my own brain getting in the way. I was thinking about kissing instead of thinking about S. And so it was awkward.
Once I was aware of this, I noticed it all over my relationship. I was so afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing that I couldn’t relax. I’d say over and over, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
So yesterday I told S this and said I was going to try to get my brain out of the way. I really do like him, I’m just afraid. Afraid of not being enough. Afraid he’ll get bored with me or tired of waiting for me to figure it out.
And after that we had some really amazing time together. And our kisses were much less awkward. 💖💕
Imperfect Progress Titles 