Imperfect Progress Titles

I hate losing.

Losing bites and the more I give to a goal the more painful it is to fail.  To give everything and then lose is to be told that everything I have is not enough.

That I am not enough.

I spend my life seeking to prove I am enough, so I do everything I can to avoid losing and I hate losing more than I hate Jar Jar in the Star Wars prequels.

It’s ok to hate losing but I hate losing so much that I have developed a dangerous habit to avoid it: quitting.

Where losing is giving it all and being found wanting, quitting is the forfeit, the slink away, the snake. It’s lying to myself, my fans, and my team that I don’t really want the prize anyway.

My parents always taught me that quitting wasn’t an option. I remember begging them to join soccer. Then three days of practice later, and all the running involved, this chubby little girl wanted out. But my parents had paid the $40 (or whatever) so I was sticking it out through the season no matter how many fake injuries I conjured.

In hindsight, it was never really about the $40. My parents knew the dangerous allure that quitting can become and that once the door is opened it is very hard to shut.

Now, this is not a treatise on why we should never quit. There is wisdom in dumping a boyfriend, quitting a job, or even abandoning a goal. Don’t print out this blog as proof you should hold out until he changes. Get into a mentoring relationship and figure out what your situation is… my situation is that I quit too easily.

And I don’t mike-drop and walk away either… I just fade.

I slink away in a myriad of excuses that are all valid and hollow at the same time. My house needs cleaning, my car needs an oil change, my plants need water, and my closet needs to be sorted. It’s been a busy day, a rough week, a long month… and by the time the deadline comes and goes the goal has been forgotten, buried under 100 little excuses all sourced from the insecurity that the fear of failure birthed in my soul.

Currently I have a goal that I am passionate about.  The goal was set 8 months ago and given serious attention about 3 months ago. But as the deadline gets closer and the process demands more faith, I find myself avoiding the actions necessary to make my goal a reality.

Today as I cast about for excuses to avoid working toward my goal, I had a moment of perspective where I realized that it’s really about my story more than it’s about my goal.

Last night God asked me a question: “What story are you writing, Jenn?”

I thought it was a great topic for a blog and started sketching out the idea:

Am I writing a story about a damsel in distress, waiting for someone to rescue me or break the curse with a kiss?

Am I the sidekick, helping the main character with his objective while seeking out the six-fingered man to kill in a side quest and resolve my tragic backstory?

Am I the hero out to shake off my past, rescue the captive princess, lightsaber fight my evil father, and blow up the enemy’s Death Star?

Am I the comic relief, tagging along to lighten the mood of a difficult situation with some fart jokes and a funny outfit?

Am I the heroic figurehead who inspires the real warriors with my empowering speeches and the sword I found in a field?

It was a good thought and I played with it, but the blog never really came together. Today I realized it wasn’t a topic for a blog; it was a question for me to seriously answer.

What story are you writing, Jenn?

Yesterday and today I was writing a story about being a quitter. About how my goal doesn’t really matter anyway and it’s ok if I just let it go. About defying expectations and shaking off the mantel of responsibility to embrace the freedom of grace over the pursuit of perfection.

But all of that is a lie.

My goal does matter and I do care. Sure, failure will hurt less if I can convince myself otherwise … but my soul knows that this goal is important to me.

And my goal is all about defying expectations. My goal is about proving that my story didn’t end when I lost my parents and that there is more in me that the world still needs to discover.

And responsibility? The only responsibility that I am avoiding is the face in the mirror that believes there is more in me than a salesperson at a technology company who blogs in the evenings. It’s not about pursing perfection or avoiding grace; it’s about waking the lion in me to fight instead of roll over play dead like a pet dog.

Failure is terrifying and the higher the stakes the more that failure stings. Easier to stay numb with chores, videos, food, or even sleep and avoid the discomfort of believing in an impossible goal.

Let the lion go back to sleep and enjoy the comfortable life I have built.

That is the safe choice and it’s the choice I’ve made many times.

Choose to believe the impossible; chase the improbable?

Wake up and fight to make something happen?

Give everything to a goal?

Win, or die trying?

Why bother?

Just sleep.

No! Wake up!

Yes! Win or die trying.

Yes! Give everything to my goal.

Yes! Wake up and fight to make this happen.

Yes! Choose to believe the important, albeit improbable, is possible.

If I quit now then it’s back to sleep until another goal comes to wake the lion or the silent killer, Time, takes her in her sleep.

Dust yourself off and write a new chapter today about embracing the process and pressing on toward the goal. Make today count and refuse to quit on yourself.

No one wants to read a story about a dead lion.