Imperfect Progress Titles

As I was driving to church this morning, a story came on the radio of a woman who prayed over her dead son. After an hour without a heartbeat, he came back to life. It should be encouraging but it just made me cry.

“Where’s my miracle?”

How selfish is that? Here’s a mom celebrating the life of her son and all I can think about is how unfair it is that her son is alive and my father is dead. My soul is in a dangerous place.

The danger to my soul is not the losses I have endured this year. My soul’s danger is the allure of selfishness and desire to grasp everything I can in response to that loss.

If I don’t trust, my trust can’t be broken.
If I don’t share my heart, you can’t betray me.
If I keep Community Group superficial, it won’t hurt when it falls apart.
If I don’t love, losing you won’t wound me.

But when my eyes are on myself, there’s no hope for my rescue. The path out of my depression is found in reaching out a hand to others. If my world is all about me then my world will keep getting smaller and smaller till I suffocate.

Ironically, my father would have given his life for that boy. He would have done anything to save his life and he would have died a hero. Nothing mattered more to my father than children and I should be able to celebrate his miraculous resurrection.

Instead I’m crying and moping and asking, “Where’s my miracle?”

God set me straight. This is the loving rebuke He gave me.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle is 8 years ago when God introduced me to Tony. Through Tony I gained access to an association that helped me learn my value and establish my core doctrines to prepare me for the challenges I’d face. Because of Tony I have met Stephen, the primary voice of reason in my chaos.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle is 6 years ago when God came to me in a dream and told me to go to WBCC. At WBCC I forged many relationships that have been my support and lifeline this year.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle was born 5 years ago and miraculously is strong and healthy today. My Princess is the brightest light in my (physical) life and on my hardest days I just find her and hold her.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle is two years ago when I found the Cotton Community Group. This was my “family” when everything started to fall apart. They cleaned my house, washed my laundry, cooked me meals, and were the hands of Christ when I needed it most.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle is last year when Julie offered to disciple me. I was untrusting and wounded and difficult but she never gave up and kept trying to break my shell. She organized a group of people to bring the ornaments in the header image and has consistently been an encourager to me.

Where’s my miracle?

My miracle is this year, when Bob* asked me to find “safe” people and God led me to Ranae. I couldn’t have imagined someone as perfectly suited to be the friend I need in this season.

Where’s my miracle?
What have I needed that wasn’t provided?
When have I lacked for anything?

Maybe it’s time to stop asking, “Where’s my miracle?” and instead ask, “Whose miracle am I supposed to be?”

*Bob is the name my cousin gave my counselor.