Imperfect Progress Titles

This morning in my time with God I asked Him to help me have the faith to dream big dreams again.

Let me give that some context: I don’t doubt God can and will do big things in this world; I’m afraid what it will cost me.

The last time I asked God to use me to impact the world, I lost both my parents and had the opportunity to speak the truth through various mediums around the world. Since then, I’ve been a bit weary to ask God to use me in His story.

But I ache for meaning and purpose. I enjoy my job and love my clients … it’s just that I was made for more than work and YouTube. The void created by avoiding dreams started to become a vacuum sucking the passion and meaning out of every area of my life.

Trapped in the doldrums of a dreamless state, I started grasping for something (outside of God) to give my life purpose. I tried looking for a new job (nothing filled the void), moved to a new house, and bought a new car … only to find the ache grew more and more severe.

So this morning I told God I wanted the faith to dream with Him again. To trust that, on the way to using me to impact the world, He cares about me personally.

The scripture I was reading this morning (just happened to follow the verse from yesterday) was Psalm 139:16 … the verse I read just hours before Cassie called to tell me Mom was gone.

That verse, combined with a sermon from Grace, encouraged me that God had a plan and would not let my suffering be in vain. (Read more in the blog Confused but Confident.)

Today I wrote in my journal “2016 He pulled me away to develop Core Strength. 2017 I had exponential impact. 2018 He is pulling me away again. God has something amazing planned.”

Ten minutes later, I hop into the car and immediately the song playing ends. A woman comes on the air and says “here’s today’s encouraging word: God is preparing you for what He has prepared for you.”

I started crying. God isn’t done with me. I’m afraid of the preparation process but I am excited that He has amazing plans for my life.

But God wasn’t done proving that He wants to help me dream again.

Through a series of odd events, I ended up in Round Rock with an hour between appointments. Not enough time to go home and too much time to sit in my car; I looked for a coffee shop in walking distance.

I walked in and saw no line but for some reason felt I should use the restroom first. When I came out, there was a line and about a 10 minute wait. While I was waiting, a table opened up that was half-booth, the kind I prefer, so I took my tea and headed over.

There’s no sweeteners on the table and I’m not sure about anything. I lean over to my right and ask a man working on his computer. He showed me where to go and, when I got back, we struck up a conversation.

(Just showing how carefully God is playing with details to make this conversation happen.)

I meet Jeff, who works as a bridge builder between churches and communities to help the United Church service the community it’s planted in. (Austin Bridge Builders Alliance)

I’m not sure why but, when Jeff asked about me, I felt led to tell him about my family and my feelings of wanting to dream again but fear of what that will cost.

Jeff talked to me about his own experience. God is doing amazing things now but he’s 9 years in to pursing this dream with God and the first 9 months were really hard. He talked about holding his last $5, knowing he’s got a wife and kids to feed, when God told him to give it to a homeless man.

Beyond finances, 9 months without a job and without a ministry, it started to feel like Jeff had no value. And he’d been so sure God was the one who called him to Austin … so where did he mess it up?

When it seemed Jeff had nothing and was worth nothing, God assured him that He loved Jeff anyway and couldn’t love him any less. Then God told Jeff that if he accomplished the biggest, wildest dreams in his heart, God wouldn’t love him any more.

Jeff sympathized with my fear and said he cautions people about the cost of chasing big dreams with God. But he also smiled and told me that it’s worth everything it costs and more. He gets to see God making his dream of church unity come true and God is letting him play a part.

Jeff told me that God is the one with the Dream; He is running the project. But God has an irreplaceable role for me to play.

We talked till I had to leave for my next appointment. After that ended, I realized I’d left my phone at the coffee shop. When I went back Jeff was gone.

God interesected our lives for that brief moment to show me that He’s not done with me. And, scary as it sounds, I think I’m ready to ask Him for what’s next.