Imperfect Progress Titles

Today was fun, and the pictures scattered through this post are a sample of the awesome pictures Alexis took of me (there are more on Facebook). My sister convinced me to give online dating another shot and I asked Alexis to take a few headshots so I could set up a profile.

Alexis went above and beyond, waxing my eyebrows, doing my hair, and this awesome makeup job. Then we went to two locations and took a variety of amazing pictures. She made me look and feel fabulous, which is really saying something as the chronic picture-avoider that I am and have always been.

After the photoshoot, I went out and bought some new jeans, since I have lost so much weight my old jeans keep falling down. I also bought a new top (since everything was buy one get one 70% off) and it made me look awesome. Between the makeup, the attention from Alexis, the smaller jeans size… overall, today I just felt so “good enough.”

If only I could bottle up that feeling and pull it out on a rainy day. Most days, for most of my life, I live under a cloud of NOT enough. Not pretty enough. Not productive enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Not fast enough. Not strong enough. Not disciplined enough. Not good enough. No matter how pretty the picture I paint with my life, all I can see are the mistakes and imperfections.

Popular psychology doesn’t really help here. The teachings to “love yourself” and “celebrate yourself” ring hallow to me, since the nagging voice in my head still reminds me that I am not enough. In seasons past I have bought myself flowers, chocolates, and even written myself letters. At the end of the day I still climb into bed and listen to the voices reminding me that I am not enough.

For a long time, I believed that the message of Christianity was about God making me good enough. I would quote scriptures to myself that say I am a new creation, or that I am His workmanship and try to believe that I am good enough. But these ideas never moved from my head to my heart. Inside I still knew about the darkness; I can still see the dirty parts of my mind and heart that never feel like they can really be clean.

In a quest to be good enough I have constantly tried to read more scripture, memorize more verses, study the bible more, attended more services, serve in more ministries inside, give more money, and do more good. All these actions would make me feel better… for a while. Until days, hours, or even minutes later when the Not Enough voices would start back up in my head.

The problem is that God never set out to make me good enough. There is nothing in my life I could ever do to be good enough and that is the whole point. Scripture teaches that NONE are righteous, not even one. The darkness in my heart that makes me feel forever not-good-enough is called sin and it separates me from God. All my good works are like trying to clean a dirty window with greasy rags; the only reward I have earned is death.

Jesus didn’t come to make me good enough;
he came because I could never be good enough.

Two thousand years ago, God sent Jesus to earth because He knew I would never be good enough and He wanted a relationship with me. Jesus lived the sinless life that I cannot. He died on a criminal’s cross because of crimes I committed. He was raised from the dead on the third day because the grave had no power over Him. Through my belief in Him, I do not become good enough, but rather stand justified before God. When I stand in judgment at the end of time, God looks at me he will see Jesus.

Truth is, I am NOT good enough. Praise the Lord, I don’t have to be!