Every year, about this time, I feel those familiar pangs of loneliness. Some of that comes from missing the anchor that was my parents and feeling like a ship drifting at sea. Some of it is on the heels of nearing yet another birthday and still living alone. Watching other couples and families with their Christmas traditions and general sense of togetherness is heavy and makes me start wishing I could form a husband from modeling clay.
Honestly, loneliness during the holidays is harder for me than Valentines Day; that is a made-up holiday to sell greeting cards. Plus, it’s only one day, easy enough to laugh it off and move on. The season spanning from Thanksgiving to New Years, is a time everyone seems to universally enjoy. The crippling loneliness on Christmas Eve, at home alone on my computer, is weighed down further by the guilt of feeling like I lack the spirit of Christmas.
I should be feeling joyful and happy.
I should remember the reason for the season.
I should be working on my book and not worrying about being alone.
But I am alone. All those should’s only make it worse.
Loneliness strikes all year long, at the oddest moments sometimes. But this season feels like a double weight under the pressure of expectations. I and the melancholy left behind creates a self-fulfilling prophesy. Feeling low, I don’t want to be around people. Thus alone, I feel lower. And the spiral continues.
There is no magic cure, as much as I wish there was. Community helps. In a few hours, I will be headed to a Christmas dinner with friends, where we will eat and play games. I am incredibly thankful for the family that hosts this event every year, opening their home to everyone without a place to go. But I wanted to write a short blog today to let anyone else struggling under the weight of 100 should’s this holiday season know, it’s ok to not feel ok.
It’s ok to miss the person who isn’t there this year.
It’s ok to not “feel” the Christmas Spirit.
It’s ok to wish the holiday were different in some way or another.
To wish someone could come home who cannot travel.
To wish it was snowing when it’s 90 degrees.
To wish a tradition could have continued, or discontinued.
To wish there was someone to kiss under the mistletoe.
The social media scroll will tell you the world is filled with bright smiles and perfect families. But I see you. I feel you. And we will get through this together.
Merry Christmas!
Imperfect Progress Titles 
Thoughts?